… imagine the peace and self-acceptance that results from Discovery in our personal lives and within our relationships. Imagine being able to truly hear what your partner is saying, rather than feeling that they are attacking you. AND imagine how valuable it would be to know exactly how you need to say something so that your message is truly heard…
… imagine the benefits in business and in life after discovering the underlying fears of clients, partners or staff, of which they aren’t aware and that drives and motivates them on a daily basis. AND by the way, it’s nearly impossible to discover this in others without having discovered it in yourself.…
“Fear is like a sword and thus a tool; used outward it can slay 1,000 dragons, used inward it can kill but one.”
Whether I am working with Discovery Coaching Clients or doing a workshop, my clients are always amazed when they discover how greatly fear has impacted their lives. One man discovers fear is the most basic underlying reason for why he hasn’t been able to find a fruitful and loving relationship. A middle-aged woman discovers that fear is the underlying reason she has a very combative relationship with her teenaged daughter. Yet another client understands now that fear is the essence behind his lack of production in his job in sales. Or even when I work with an athlete to teach visualization skills; he discovers that the fear of uncertainty or ‘success’ is a major underlying limiter of his success.
It isn’t amazing to people that fear impacts their lives – discovering on what their fear is based is what amazes them.
A lot of people understand they are afraid and yet others are unaware. But unfortunately many, if not most, are unaware of what they are actually afraid – on the most underlying level. As an example, a man who struggles with approaching a pretty woman feels that he knows he is afraid of being rejected. Included in this is the anticipation of embarrassment he will feel, the anxiety and the sense of failure. Most certainly this is true and to many of you readers, obvious. We’ve all heard about the Fear of Rejection, but is he truly afraid of being rejected? Nobody likes being rejected but is this the entire essence of the fear?
Definitively – no. The issue beneath this belief is how he unconsciously interprets the perceived rejection.
“Enlightenment is the ‘aha’ moment; when it occurs in YOU, it can change your life; when used to accept others as they are, it will change your world.”
In our example the discouraged man has an even deeper interpretation, perhaps more than one or two levels below their awareness. Consider the possibility that the man ‘learned’ as a child that the ability to fearlessly approach a woman defines a real man. What if he ‘learned’ that a man who has anxiety and therefore the inability to calmly approach a woman means that the man is impotent and therefore worthless.
Now, this does not mean that someone actually taught him these beliefs. He can ‘learn’ without being taught; he can ‘learn’ by self-interpretation; he can ‘learn’ without ever knowing that he has ‘learned’ the lesson. This happens constantly – we are seldom aware of the concepts we are taught; more accurately, these concepts are ‘learned’ by self-interpretation of consciously or unconsciously experienced events . And nearly never are these self-teachings beneficial to us, this is how the emotional fear begins (and the defense mechanisms employed to avoid the fear) – unconsciously learned and unconsciously taught. In workshops I call this the POOL; our Primary Occurrence Of Learning’.
Why is this?
“It is not thoughts that must change for life to improve; but discovery of WHY the original thoughts come to our mind in the first place.”
To understand the concept we must discuss a couple of systems of our physiology because many of our physiological systems are replicated within our emotional existence. We’ve been told for years that fear is essential to the continuation of Man. Fight or Flight is the accepted physiological response to physical intimidation or imminent threat. Theorized as the result of natural selection, those with this response were able to avoid life-threatening situations. The capability, presumably passed on through following generations, became instinctual abilities. The instinctual response exists within us and continues to be the savior of many lives. For the purposes of our discussion, I call this physiological fear.
The emotional fear we’re discussing here is not the physiological fear but I feel it’s important to make the distinction between Physiological Fear and Emotional Fear. All sorts of systems are initiated with the physiological fear, endorphins, adrenaline, heightened awareness, etc. Of course our entire bodily systems are built to include such protections. It’s part of our amazing existence and there are multiple such physiological systems ‘built’ within our existence.
It’s important to realize our emotional and physiological systems have many mirroring or replicated processes. Our intellectual brain controls our physiology and our emotional mind controls our ‘emotology’; a term to describe and draw attention to a second and separate system designed entirely for the protection of emotional ‘self’. Just as the physiological systematic response of fear contributes to the preservation of our physical life, our emotional system employs similar responses to protect our emotional life or emotional survival.
“There is one INSTINCTUAL reason for fear to exist: to preserve our physical well-being. All others are man-made and are self-limiting.”
So why do these emotional systems exist? What possibly would be the need of such a system and why the need for emotional survival? Well, realize this – our intellectual and logical brain systems do not really begin to develop until around the age of 2 and don’t complete development until around 23 or 24. So what keeps us alive until our intellectual brain develops? It is our emotional mind. It controls everything of how we show our caretakers what we need, from nurturing to needing food and everywhere in between.
The trouble is that after our intellectual brain develops no one tells our emotional mind that it is no longer solely needed to protect our physical existence and that emotional pain is no longer a threat to our physiological existence, as it was early in our life. Therefore our emotional mind continues to believe that it has the responsibility of all systems. And it interprets every potential threat of emotional pain as life threatening. In our physical existence a physical threat initiates the ‘fight or flight’ response; our emotional existence has a similar system. If our emotional mind senses threat to its existence or belief system, it will employ similar defenses.
Here’s where the trouble begins – because what our emotional mind perceives as a ‘threat’, is anything that challenges or confronts its tenets or constants of its existence. Those tenets or constants are what we have truly ‘learned’, including many of the false tenets we’ve ‘learned’, as in our earlier example – these ‘learned lessons’ often have NO basis in fact. They are merely what were interpreted internally by our emotional mind. Once integral to our survival as an infant, it’s no longer alone in the responsibility because it is supposed to work in conjunction with our intellectual brain to fully fulfill our existence.
“Our ability to grow is directly dependent upon our willingness to be wrong.”
In our earlier example, the man who ‘learned’ that real men can comfortably approach a woman was not actively taught this exact lesson but he could have easily and unconsciously ‘learned’ this lesson if his father, big brother or other man in his childhood were the man that had this capability – especially if he idolized this man as a role model. Make sense? The man might very likely feel inadequate and ‘less than’ if he does not grow to have the similar capabilities. His emotional mind considers the awareness of the perceived inadequacy as a ‘weakness’ or a crack in its foundation.
It may seem silly, but we must consider our emotological system as a fortress, built for protection of ‘self’ – our emotional existence. The perceived emotional ‘weakness’ is considered by our emotional mind to be a potential ‘breach’ of our defenses and therefore any and all interactions by others, that approach the ‘weakened’ area are immediately guarded by extra forces of the fortress. It doesn’t matter whether the approaching party is bringing medicine or weapons – the fortress goes on a heightened state of security and considers the approaching party as a threat.
We all know of this potential breach area of our emotions – we sometimes call it a ‘sore spot’; it’s the result of previous real or perceived attacks upon our fortress. These previous attacks, real or interpreted, become ‘baggage’. However, as we all know – the fact that a fortress has been previously attacked by opposing forces, does not mean that all future approaching parties mean harm. Run in this manner, fortresses that repel all approaching parties will eventually run out of food and resources and will die.
Continuing the analogy, an approaching party may have helped repair fortresses in the past and found ‘self-worth’ in doing so; that approaching party might continue to seek other fortresses that need repair in an effort to seek value as an on-going practice. The seeking of continued self-worth in this method can become a ‘rescuer’ or ‘savior’ complex within the emotions of an individual without ever realizing it. Even though good is being performed, the approaching party’s fulfillment is solely dependent on another person’s fortress – and that is never good.
“Growth doesn’t require change – merely awareness; once awareness occurs, growth naturally results – whether we want it or not.”
There are many such comparisons that can be made that explain countless types of ‘baggage’. But one thing is ALWAYS true, ‘baggage’ takes up room and if there is enough of it? There’s no room to help carry another’s… and we all have it. Baggage isn’t a bad thing – it can teach us much about people, in life or in business… as long as we open it, sort it, wash the contents and put it away in proper drawers and closets.
The secret lies in learning how to create a system by which we can effectively determine the intent of every approaching party as they approach or before letting them within our fortress walls. We then have the ability to determine intent and threat of the approaching party, whether they are clearly labeled or hidden within a ‘Trojan horse’. A large part of the secret is discovering and realizing that our fortress is impenetrable and is unable to be breached without us opening the doors.
“EVERY aspect of business improves when driven by the Laws of Human Nature.”
Conversely, just imagine the advantage we gain when we understand and apply all of these concepts when we are the approaching party to another person’s ‘fortress’. When we truly understand the tenets of these concepts, we have the ability to use the knowledge to easily gain access to their fortress through an ‘unweakened’ area. This capability creates an amazingly strong advantage in areas of management, leadership, sales and of course – relationships. However, it is a skill that needs to be used solely for the benefit of both parties; therefore when teaching these concepts to salespeople, I will only teach to those within the arena of ‘authentic’ sales; that being those who are experts in their field but need to protect clients and consumers from non-experts who can merely ‘sell’ anything.
Imagine the peace and self-acceptance that results from Discovery in our personal lives and within our relationships. Imagine being able to truly hear what your partner is saying, rather than feeling that they are attacking you. AND imagine how valuable it would be to know exactly how you need to say something so that your message is truly heard. Imagine how your relationships could be, once realizing that another can’t ever take your ‘power’ away, no matter how hard they try. Manipulation won’t work on you and you’d have the internal strength to confront every emotional conflict without anger, animosity or resentment; merely because you understand how you work and how they work, internally.
It has been said often that men are predictable because they tend to be ‘logical’ and women have been saddled with the label of ‘illogical and emotional’ for hundreds and hundreds of years. It is simply not so. Illogical and emotional are not opposites – if you understand our emotological systems, you’ll understand that EVERY emotional reaction within ourself or others is as logical as two plus two equaling four. We merely need to seek, listen and learn about the previous ‘attacks’ upon the fortresses to fully and accurately understand and predict the actions or reactions of another.
Imagine the benefits in business and in life after discovering the underlying fears of clients, partners or staff, of which they aren’t aware and that drives and motivates them on a daily basis. AND by the way, it’s nearly impossible to discover this in others without having discovered it in yourself.
4 Major Arenas That Benefit Tremendously
– People who ask themselves, “I wonder why I (do this or can’t do) …” are most assuredly unconsciously affected and impacted by these underlying and undiscovered fears we’ve discussed. These people benefit tremendously from Discovery Coaching; they are often unhappy, unfulfilled, angry or depressed because they don’t understand their own self.
– Managers/executives/leadership directors/trainers who ask themselves, “How do I get my people to …” or “How do I get them to … better” are most assuredly able to benefit by learning these elements in our APACHE program and incorporating into their existing training programs.
– Salespeople/rep’s/consultants/professionals who ask, “How do I get my clients to…” or “How do I get more people to become clients?” They are most assuredly able to benefit by learning these elements in our CAPTIVE program, learning how to convey their expertise, loyalty and passion to make every prospect engaged.
– Athletes/brokers/agents who need to ask, “Why don’t I do what I KNOW I can do…” will absolutely benefit as well.
“An inspired, engaged and empowered individual is incapable of nothing – and is extremely aware of his limitations.”
I guarantee that once fully understanding and knowing how to apply these tenets of Emotions and Human Nature, the answers to all of the above questions are clear… what you DO with that knowledge is up to you.
Like most things in life, we seldom seek change until and unless the current path is no longer working as planned. Discovery Coaching is designed to help people find the answers to the struggles for which their solutions are no longer gaining the desired result. It’s not therapy – it’s discovery.
As we’ve noted, the elements of Discovery Coaching are not only about the things that aren’t working in one’s life. It continues to be a tremendous benefit to those in business who may already be successful but seek reaching a higher level. Because when we truly understand what makes us ‘tick’ we then have the ability to understand what makes others ‘tick’ and then the sky’s the limit; thus amazing benefits to those in management, leadership positions and authentic sales.
Especially in the realm of business, the ability to determine what is truly behind the motivations of self and then others (the essence of discovery) is the ‘holy grail’ of motivating others, increasing employee engagement and employee retention, dramatically improving client acquisition and utilizing the strengths of others to the best benefit of the organization.
If you feel it’s time to embark upon your journey of Discovery OR if you would like to see how one of our programs can tremendously impact your organization, contact me.
“Fed at the dinner party of Life: Conscience for the soul, trust for the heart and hope for your mind; all we have to do is show up on time, eat and not leave early.”
David A. Jones, President
Captive Coaching and Consulting, LLC
Phone: (888) 706-5426 email: firstname.lastname@example.org
“The first law of business is that of Human Nature”